Cris' Fabulous Wife

Guess what I ate for breakfast this morning??

Birthday Cake!!

And it was so good!

In my defense, it had real whipped cream on it with strawberries. So even though it isn't a complete food, I did get some starch from the bread food group (okay, okay...a lot of starch...and sugar, lots of sugar), the whipping cream is part of the milk food group and the strawberries? Well everybody knows that strawberries are an excellent source of Vitamin C!!

Cris' birthday was yesterday, hence the birthday cake in the house. He turned 30!

And I gave him an awesome birthday time!

Since it was Sunday, we did the right thing and started our day off with going to church. And I was really glad we did because the pastor included some good points in his message (which I failed to hear because I was pacing around the church with Baby T trying to keep him relatively quiet and happy). One of the points was so timely for Cris, that he wrote it down on his arm. The point was "You have an enemy who will do anything he can to keep you out of the game." It was important because I have been encouraging Cris to get out of full-time ministry (I'm such a great pastor's wife - I'm saying this with a sarcastic tone) and he has been unseriously contemplating it but at the same time knowing that God was still calling him to remain in full time ministry.

After the service we went out for lunch. It was a nice time. Although I was anxious to get home to give Cris his gifts...

He got spoiled this year by moi. And I was happy to do it. I gave some of the credit to Elijah and Toviel even though they didn't deserve it and even though Elijah totally wrecked a surprise by saying to Cris on the day before his birthday, "We got you a present. We got you a drill." I had tried to get it through Elijah's head that it was a to remain a surprise until Cris opened the gift. Anyways, Elijah and Toviel gave Cris an 18 volt cordless drill (I know, I know, I'm a fabulous wife) and 2 dvd's. One of the movies is "A Knight's Tale" and the other one is a movie that neither of us have heard of...but it was cheaper to buy it than rent it, and sometimes movies like that turn out to be pretty good because you have such low expectation of it. Alec Baldwin is in it, so it can't be too too bad.

I gave Cris a paintball gun.

I am a fabulous wife!!

I don't know too much about it except that it was expensive, it's fairly heavy, and it looks mean. It is apparently an exact replica of a Glock hand gun. That means nothing to me, but know this - it looks and feels real, except it's a paintball gun. It is Cris' "side arm"...his second gun. Apparently you need more than one gun to properly play this game.
I am really lucky that one of the guys on Cris' paintball team owns a paintball business and just happened to have a Glock in stock. And he knew exactly what Cris wanted, so all I had to do was drop off the money and pick up the gun. Easiest shopping ever. Best gift ever.
I had waited until the last minute to get it for his birthday because the previous weekend was Cris' going away parties - one from the BC3 youth group and the other from the church. I was soooooo positive that the youth group was going to buy him a paintball hand gun. And I was so disappointed because I thought the event was poorly planned and was nothing special at all (although I did get to play one round of lazer tag with Cris and we both really enjoyed that) and there was no group gift as a token of thanks. I cried most of the way home because I was hurting for Cris. And then I went out and bought him a gun myself.
And no, I don't think it is silly. I mean, I say I think it's silly, but I don't really believe that. It is his hobby (along with sewing - heh heh) and it really is a lot of fun. And as far as hobby's go, if you compare it to skiing or golfing or playing hockey it is a really really cheap hobby. And one day I bet that I will get to play with that gun in a game of paintball.

Moving on...
Cris played with his gun for a bit and then we went for a walk. As we were heading out he went to sit on a bench in our garage that was covered with a blanket. Underneath the blanket were 2 cakes. And so, as he almost sat on the cakes, he also discovered that there were cakes - 2 of them - in the garage. shoot. I knew I couldn't hide my secret any longer. I was throwing him a surprise birthday party.
He had actually been putting peices together since the day before and figured it out before he sat on his cakes. But the cakes were the cincher. double shoot.

So, I have some tips for anyone planning a surprise party:
1) Don't come home with lots of chips, pop, veggies, 3 types of dip, chocolate, brushetta, crackers, cakes, and other goodies that don't normally hang around the house and think that you can put them away or hide them without your significant other seeing them. You can't.
2) Don't count on your significant other coming home from a meeting out of town when he is intending to come home. He may say he's coming home around 10pm on Saturday night, but what he might mean is that he's coming home at 10am on Saturday morning. So you can't count on hiding snacks and food from him.
3) Don't count on your significant other's friends to handle things in an unobvious way. Their friends might call to talk to you about the impending surprise, and when your significant other answers the phone, their friend might say, "Oh hey! What are you doing home? I thought you weren't going to be home until later tonight." Your significant other will then wonder why the heck their friend called in the first place.
4) Make sure your pants pockets are deep enough that when doing your daily tasks and caring for your children, lists of food and people will not fall out the pocket onto the middle of the bathroom floor where your significant other will then see them and read them.
5) Don't decorate. Just plain don't decorate.
6) Don't put the cakes in a place where there is even the slightest chance that your significant other will sit on them by accident.
7) Or...the easiest yet might just be to plan all surprise parties at someone else's home. It will be easier to keep it a surprise and you don't have to remember all these tips.

It was a great party. But not a great surprise party. Our first guest arrived at 6pm and our last guests left at 2am. And we had a ton of fun.

(We also have lots of food left over, so if anyone wants to come over....come on over! It's not like either of us have a paid job that we have to go to every day. We're just hangin' out.)

I really enjoyed Cris' 30th birthday!! I hope we can do it again sometime.
Happy 30th Birthday Cristin! oxxxxxo

I want to see God

I overheard Elijah singing yesterday. He was singing the song "Open the eyes of my heart Lord" and then started singing the line "I want to see You" over and over again. I thought it was pretty cute because he was banging on his drum set while singing it and he seemed pretty intense.

Then he stopped and got my attention. "Mommy," he said, "I want to see God."

Wow. My not-yet-3-year-old said this. I said, "Yes...we all do. And one day you will."

Then he said, "I want to see heaven."

My jaw dropped. I have spoken to Elijah about God and Jesus, but to my knowledge I have never mentioned heaven. My reasoning for that is because I don't want his little mind to get caught up with the idea that God and Jesus are in heaven looking down on us. I want him to feel as though God and Jesus are with us here on earth and that our life is made full with God being with us at the moment, and not just some far off hope that we will get to be with Him in heaven. I guess this is because I often find my motivation for some things is the hope I have of spending eternity in heaven instead of being motivated by the rewards of living life to the fullest on earth through worshipping God through my actions and thoughts. In other words, just being obedient not because of a reward but because of a love. blah blah blah. anyways....

I'm starting to think Elijah has some innate knowledge of all things before he is even taught them. He's such an amazing person. No one has kids as great as mine. Sorry people. It's true. I did get the best.

Jehovah Jireh

Yesterday we went to a church 15 minutes North East of us in Springbank. We know the youth/music pastor and his family and Cris knows some of the other pastors there.

As we were getting ready to go, I felt a tinge of excitement. This is the start of us moving on. The start of a new beginning. New beginnings are exciting! The potential of wonderful things is so great.

We walked into the church and were greeted by many friendly, happy people. It felt good to be welcomed into another place of worship. It felt good to feel like we belonged even though we didn't yet.

Then half-way through the first song, my tears started to flow and I had to excuse myself from the service. I was floundering out in the lobby trying to find the washrooms and trying to avoid the ushers/greeters. But that was impossible and no matter how fast I darted about trying to find the loo, I could not escape one of the greeters, who quite obviously could tell that I was upset, and directed me to the washrooms.

The bathroom was empty. Thank goodness. I started to bawl. This is not where I belonged. I belonged back at MY church. This was not my church. I thought I was so crazy. Here I am in a beautiful church building, where friendly people warmly welcomed us, the worship was full and flowed wonderfully with many instruments and vocals. "My" church was in a community center, not much to look at, the worship was usually thrown together last minute with little to no rehersal and often choppy and half-assed, people would nod and say hi, but it often felt as though they were just going through the motions and their heart was not in it. And here I was crying because I missed the half-assness and the laid back mentalitly of my church. I realized I felt as though I should be with the people I had invested my heart and soul into for the past 3 & 1/2 years. Everything I was and thought and felt revolved around my church. My husband earned a living from serving them. It was his job. We spent all our time with people from the church. It was our social life. We moved here for them. It was our community. We prayed with them and they prayed with us. It was our church family. It was our whole entire life.

It is so difficult to lose everything at once. Most people have their church family to see them through difficult times, but instead I had to leave. Most people have a pastor they can go to to work hurts out, but instead I am feeling betrayed by him. Most people have many friends they can talk to about difficulties, but instead I am finding myself having to censor what I say (very difficult for me since I'm so dang candid) so as to not cause further hurt or questioning of the leadership in the church to my friends who still attend my 'old' church.

I know that I am working through stuff and eventually I will heal and move on because I am resiliant. I am learning that godly people can do ungodly things and still remain godly. I am learning that people are mean, vindictive, double-minded, hurtful and just plain stupid, but that they are still children of God and can still move things forward in His will.

All I really want is a freakin apology. A simple, "I'm sorry, I was wrong." Cris and I have known for about 6 months that it was time to move on. We knew before anyone else in the church did, before the leadership did. But we love it here so much that we decided to wait for more confirmation. We never dreamed the confirmation would come in such a wicked way. So it's not the outcome that we grieve over, but the process, because it was totally wrong, and I feel totally wronged. So I just want an apology. But I know I won't get one. I believe that judgements were clouded by sinful thoughts and will likely stay clouded until the day when we are made perfect. So now it is my job to move on and heal...somehow.

My stint of crying in the biffy was cut short because my 6 & 1/2 month old baby is so very sensitive and my sobs set off his sobs, so instead of finishing my cry, I had to stop abruptly and console my wee little tot. So I'm guessing I have more tears to escape my eyes.

God has placed many people in our lives to help us get through this. Today Cris said to me, "You'll never guess who called to talk to me today." It was our old youth pastor. And then he had a meeting with another person today who had been wounded by leadership in a church. And in the previous week we had opportunity to swap hurts with another pastor from a church in Calgary, and yet another pastor expressed to Cris he had carried a hurt brought on by a church around with him for 20 years, and still another very close friend (a pastor as well) of Cris went through a similar situation a year and a half ago. So God has placed many people in our path to help us get through this. Obviously we need it and God has provided. He is Jehovah Jireh.

Now if I could just cry and move on...and maybe write some nasty letters that I will never send. Or maybe I will de-nastify them and send them.

Happy Heart Day!

It's almost 6 pm and we still don't know if we are going to eat supper in or eat out. Everyone has crashed for a late nap except for me. Toviel is sleeping on the hardwood floor at my feet. Elijah and Cris are snuggled in bed together. We are fighting off colds, so that has thrown everyone for a loop and sleep needs have increased all around.

I am enjoying my Valentines Day. I got a hair cut after my ultrasound. Cris gave me a gift and a whole whack of twizzelator licorices and I gave him a gift and a whack of chocolate. So I've been snacking on licorice and chocolate (and grapes) all afternoon and the feel-good qualities of those foods are shining through.

Happy Valentines Day to you all!

Body, Mind, and Spirit

I have a friend who had an ultrasound today because she is 18 or 19 weeks pregnant. Those types of ultrasounds are so exciting! I love seeing those creepy pictures of a baby's skeletal/internal systems. I love the little spine. It's so amazing.

I also had an ultrasound today. But it wasn't anything exciting. I spent the entire time looking at the computer screen trying to guess what I was seeing and the only one I think I guessed correctly was my aorta. And that was just because it was "lub-dubbing" like my heart.

I got an abdominal and a pelvic ultrasound done because of a dull pain I've been having in my abdomen. My waist has also increased in size and feels harder than normal (which is probably still squishy feeling to others) and I feel like I have bricks or rocks in my stomach. (Don't even joke about me possibly being pregnant!)

I fear the results will show nothing. My doctor said she thinks I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, but I disagree because my bowels don't feel irritable at all. I feel irritable because of these weights and aches in my tummy though. My sister pointed out to me the time line in which this feeling has started. It started mid-January sometime. Cris was handed his letter of employment termination on January 16th. So I'm wondering if the "baggage" I'm carrying around from this whole event is being carried around in my abdomen. Someone once told me that your body tells you what your mind refuses to acknowledge and your spirit chooses to ignore.

The really interesting part is that since January 19th, Cris has been having chest pain. His doctor's first guess is that it's a peptic ulcer. His second guess is the sac around his heart is inflamed. He has gone for several tests including a barium (yum) test, an ECG, and some other strange breath test. Is it weird that we both started having atypical physical symptoms around the same time that we started feeling emotionally hurt?

Black Eyed Pea

Toviel has a black eye. He's only 6 months, and he has a black eye!

Elijah was innocently swinging around his "hockey stick" in the living room where Toviel was sitting nearby giggling and watching Elijah's every move. Suddenly, I hear a shriek followed by a long silent pause followed by a loud high-pitched oh-my-goodness-I-am-in-pain scream that only my Toviel can make. I come running down the stairs to find Cris holding Toviel's little trembling body. He points out to me the mark right under Toviel's eye. Yes, my Little Pea got hit in the eye by my eldest's stick and now has a black eye.

Oh the tragic pains suffered by the baby with an older sibling.

My Favorite Part

Today was our last day at Bragg Creek / Redwood Meadows Community Church.

I felt a little sad, quite detached, and sort of apathetic towards the church. There are some people I will miss dearly that I may never see again on this earth. And some people I don't want to sever ties with yet. It does not seem weird to me that we are making plans to get together with families, couples, and individuals in the weeks to come who attend the church we got kicked out of. I do not know how to just drop people that we have been in relationship with for the past 3 & 1/2 years. Everyone that I have talked to seem sad that we are leaving and some have said that even though Cris is stepping out of leadership, we should still attend and be part of this church community. So although I feel jilted by the small leadership team in our church, I feel loved by the rest of the church and desire to stay in relationship and fellowship with many of them. I love them. And I have never felt so loved by a group of people like I have felt loved here. And I hope that is all I take away from this church. I hope I don't take a grudge too far down the road with me. I hope I don't take any sorrow too far either.

God has blessed us this past 3 & 1/2 years with a caring community. We have also had the burden of nit-picky I-can't-believe-you-did-that thinking people who don't know how to drop anything and take everything so incredibly personal that they are offended when you wear a Star Wars tie or don't invite them to your home every week or don't offer to take care of their kids while they are doing something much more important than you. But all in all, my experience here has been good.

I am glad that God gave us the people and the place here, even though it was just for a short time. He has shown me that no matter the time He has given us in a certain place or with certain people, I can make the most of my time by jumping in to relationship with people and loving them as hard as I can. And my favorite part is that we likely will spend eternity with the people here that I love, so the relationships that I cherish here will be carried on into eternity. That hope is my favorite part about life. I was definately created for relationships because when I spend time with people I love, that is when I feel content and right.

Undeserved faithfulness

In light of a recent event (the loss of Cris' job) there is a certain amount of financial anxiety that I am feeling. Not a whole lot, not even close to what I'd expect I'd feel, but a little bit.

Cris ripped his jeans in the knee a couple days ago and so I set out to see if I could find a deal on a pair of jeans for him. The first place I went to was Old Navy. They have nice jeans at a decent price (usually $20 a pair when they are on sale). I looked through the piles and selected a pair of jeans for him that were indeed on sale for $20. I was feeling pretty good about my impending purchase. Then I went to check out the rest of the store really quickly just because I could. At the back I saw a clearance shelf. Yipee! My favorite type of shelf! And would you believe that I found two pairs of jeans in Cris' size that were $3.97?? Four bucks!! And I didn't even have to shop around! This was the first store that I went to.

I think that was the moment that God was saying to me, "Don't worry. I will take care of you. Not only will I take care of you, but I will give you good things. You needed one pair of jeans, I gave you two."

(God also threw in a nice comfortable shirt for me for $1.97.)

God has been so faithful to us. Sometimes I look at my life and wonder why He takes such good care of me. I don't deserve it. I definately don't deserve it.

First solids

Toviel is now just over 6 months old. He is not showing any interest in eating solids and seems happy and content to remain exclusively breastfed at this point. So I haven't offered any solids other than a piece of mushy broccolli that he promptly spat out after mouthing for a couple seconds.

Yesterday he was playing with a piece of cardpaper. He was putting it in his mouth, taking it out, looking at it, passing it from hand to hand, and making cute little gurgling sounds. I got caught up in doing something with Elijah and the next time I looked at Toviel he was covered in puke. Then he spat out a piece of mushy cardpaper. Cris commented on how his stomach knew that paper wasn't supposed to be there. I just said, "See? He isn't ready for solids yet." And I'm a little disappointed in myself that my son's first "solid" to hit his stomach was a piece of cardpaper.

Get your own toys!!

Elijah loves the little hotwheels and other little vehicles. And his infatuation is contagious. I often find myself looking at hotwheels in the stores and thinking, "Oooooooooo! That one is REALLY cool!" Just this last weekend I saw a Batmobile. And I bought it and Elijah added it to his collection.

Cris, Elijah, and myself have "tested" each vehicle to see which one is the fastest. We set up the hotwheels tracks down the stairs and race the vehicles against each other. So far, the fastest one we have is a black Ford F-150 truck. We are disappointed it isn't one like, oh, say the Batmobile. Every week or so we have these competitions and the black Ford truck always wins. And we know the black Ford truck will always win because we've tested it over and over and over again, yet we still continue to have these competitions.

We spent the better part of this past Monday racing cars and trucks against each other. Its great family fun. In fact, I think its possible that its more fun for Cris and I than it is for Elijah. I say this because Elijah got bored with the races and started driving the cars around on the race track that we were using to perform actual races. Cris and I both asked Elijah to please stop playing around at the bottom of the race track because he was wrecking our racing.

Wow.

How parental of us.

Elijah, stop playing with your toys! You're ruining our fun!